June has been interesting. I am happy to see her leave, though because it means the future is here.
Bonnie turned 75 yesterday, and she still doesn’t look a day over 50. If I colored her hair she could very well pass for 40.
I asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she said a boyfriend. Yep! That’s my momma.
She’s been specifically thinking about one man from her past. He lived with us for quite a few years. They parted when he moved to California.
I think my mother wanted to go with him and always regretted not taking the leap of faith.
Taking that leap is scary to the point of well it’s fucking scary, but sometimes we must take it.
I’ve had a few leaps that I’ve had to make myself in June. So far I haven’t fallen, and it may very well be time that I stopped thinking that I might.
For Bonnie’s birthday there were things that we planned that got tossed out the window because The Man had other ideas.
Figuring out how to merge my life with his – it is now clear: that is not my cross to bear.
I have always worried about the time that would EVENTUALLY come when I had to be Nicole, and Daughter, and Mother, and slave. How would I handle it? Was it something that I was capable of doing?
Balancing was never a strong suit for me…..I fell off the balance beam EVERY time I got up there. The thing is I kept getting up there.
When I was told what we were going to be doing it sent me into a panic attack. A real live panic attack where I was sitting on the kitchen floor breathing into a paper bag and everything.
The day involved shopping for dresses, giggles, shock and awe, flirting, kissing, and Outback.
Like Ice Cube said, I gotta say it was a good day.
It is hard for me to take Bonnie & Clyde out alone because they have two different sets of needs, and if one is not happy NEITHER of them is happy.
I tend to spend 90 % of the time trying to reign one or both of them in and they get one step closer to what I am now convinced is their ultimate goal – my insanity.
Like the time we all went to Walmart.
I gave Clyde a cart to push, which he did NOT WANT TO PUSH, so he kept leaving it in the aisle.
I put Bonnie in one of those battery powered carts since walking outside is not a strength of hers.
Bonnie has either forgotten that people walk in the aisles of a store, or stopped caring, because there were many an clipped ankle in Walmart that day.
Displays got knocked over multiple times and it was frankly exhausting.
In a sign of protest Clyde left the cart in the aisle and decided to go exploring on his own. While my back was turned. Realizing my non verbal child was walking around Walmart unattened, I turned to Bonnie to explain she needed to stay RIGHT THERE I had to go find Clyde. As a precauition I turned the power off on her cart.
I found him in short order – returned to where I’d left Bonnie – she was now gone, off to locate her grandchild. Those legs of hers that don’t like walking got to two stepping when she thought her baby was missing.
Those are the kinds of experiences I tend to have when I take them out together.
Sometimes though the universe sends you help.
It can come in the form of valium, or it can come in the form of someone who wants to make your life simpler.
I got banished to the backseat, so that Bonnie could ride up front. She glowed.
I wasn’t allowed to push her wheelchair.
She rode in style, with the handsome man behind her, pimp style, leaning to the side in the chair and everything.
I tried to pick dresses for her — she was not interested in anything that I picked up. HE even tried to to make selections for her, not even his devisih charm worked.
Clyde who has become much more territorial as his testosterone levels have gone up, glared the whole time….except when a big butt walked by … then he went back to glaring. The funny thing is…..not one growl was to be heard.
At Outback Bonnie’s speech was quite clear: MARGARITA. Clyde seemed to be eyeballing the steak knife so I took away his place setting.
I sat there at the table with my family, watching this transformaiton in the three people that I care the most about.
My mother was 16 again, on her first date with a boy she really liked. My child was no longer chubby cheeked and barely seeing over the top of the table. I almost expected him to say I will have what mom mom is having.
The Man was himself but different as well. It was different because I got to see, in his interactions with Bonnie, how the world sees Him when he is with me.
I don’t see it, because all I see is Him when it is just the two of us. I saw patience, I saw understanding, I saw exasperation, I saw humor, I saw love. Bonnie would look back at Him sometimes the way the world must see me look at Him.
Eventually his iPhone buzzed – as it always does – and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to wipe my tears.
“I’m out with my family.”
I’ve spent a lot of time worried about what happens when it is time to blend my life with someone else’s. Hence the avoidance of the toothbrush conversation over the years.
How would I manage?
It is quite clear that there are somethings I am not responsible for managing.
Surrender has many levels.
I think that I may be almost ready for what comes next.