Submissive vs Slave

This was not a topic that I thought I would ever tackle in this forum.

I tend to shy away from this topic on Fetlife or other groups because I can not be objective about it and I can not say with any conviction which is more suitable for anyone’s life but my own.

Yet here I am about to take the Nesta Plunge.

I had a conversation with someone who has a very interesting point of view about this lifestyle.  He made a statement that made me reconsider a few things and just maybe helped me to accept why the ‘title’ of slave is accepted so readily by me.

When I began participating in places like Fetlife, and going out to real time lifestyle activities I met women who identified as slave, and I questioned their sanity.

I met Black women who said I am a happy proud slave and I wanted to have them 302’d.

It was not logical to me.  As I have said to The Man on more than one occasion, if I do not find it logical, it is difficult for me to process it.  As he has said to me on more than one occasion….get over it.


The conversation with my friend went along fine, we were talking about theory and the like and expanding each other’s minds and then he told me –

You are not a submissive woman.


How can you say that I asked him, when you KNOW the struggles that I have with The Man, and living this life?  If I were not submissive I could not do this!

He repeated: you are not a submissive woman.

Well now I want to fight him.  You see this person knows me very well and this person is usually correct about the things he tells me.  I trust his advice because he’s shown an uncanny ability to walk around inside my head like it is a hotel lobby.  It’s actually fucking scary, but I need to stay on topic.

He said I was not a submissive woman.

Instead of pointing out all of the reasons why he was wrong I did something different.  I got quiet and asked a question:  Why do you say that?

His response was simple….submissive is a personality trait, you are not submissive.  You fight and  resist everything that is not how you think it should be and you spend too much time for your own good trying to convince the world that you are correct.  That is aggressive that is not submissive….then he said it:

You are a slave.

Once  upon a time I would have kicked his ass for saying that.  But during this conversation all I could do was sigh and nod.

I accepted my “purpose” as a slave during my relationship with Reginald.   Mind you, he would say something else based on how things ended, but I accepted that role, and wore it proudly.

I was not happy because I felt it made me more of anything, I was happy in that role because it fit me the best and it was authentic to me, and because it reflected who I was.

It was accepting that ‘title’ that allowed me the freedom to live and love without inhibition.

I like to think that the difference between Reginald and The Man is that The Man has character, but in THEORY I could wake up in a year and realize I’d been hoodwinked.

As I explained it to the mentee, I loved Reginald, but things happened that showed me what life would be like with Reginald, and I knew that I could not live that life.  I could not flourish in slavery who would choose a ‘friend’ over his slave.

Reginald and I never got the chance to have that discussion, that he was choosing to uplift and support Eleanor, who’d proven to be deceptive and disruptive, over me who belonged to him.   Our separation when that whole thing went down happened so quickly that there was not much to be said except peace out.  And I think I was saying that as I was pulling out of the driveway.

That whole situation had me running for the hills as if the devil were at my heels, and it took months to look back and go….well you dodged a bullet didn’t you?

The mentee asked me how did I know things would be different with The Man?

My answer was I have known Him longer, I know Him better, and while things have not always been perfect, He has always been consistent.

Like the lovely girl she is…(lawd I want to strangle her sometimes) she asked, what happens if you find that consistency boring?

The Man is many things but boring is not the word for him.  I will always know where I stand with him, the only question to ask is am I ready TO stand.

That is where my acceptance of my role as slave is relevant.

Were I a submissive woman, this would be simple.  I could easily say yes Sir and skip along happily into that world where obedience without question exists.

At some point in my journey, I had to be real with Nicole and accept that obedience does exist,….the without question thing is what is going to get my neck broken.

Acknowledging that The Man is in charge is simple – but finding that place where it is automatic for me, and second nature for me, and without question….yeah I am still looking for that.

As a parent I have done that thing that kids hate without exception:  Do it BECAUSE.

Mind you it is the funniest thing in the world to watch a special needs child attempt to process that but I’ve done it anyway.  I am the authority, I am willing to teach you and mold you, but at some friggin

The thing is….kids can’t bounce.  Well most kids.  One of these days Clyde is gonna chuck me the dueces, get a job at the Bodega stacking sodas, and find himself a good subbie sub girl to make him breakfast.  That day isn’t today though, so I can still pull the BECAUSE card.

The Man recently had to pull the BECAUSE card.

Can I tell you that it felt like I got donkey kicked in the kidneys when he did?

It rocked my foundation that I’d made him pull the BECAUSE card.  I was rolling along thinking that I was just the bestest slave ever, and there I made him pull out the BECAUSE card.

It’s how I was silent and chose not to argue when that friend said, I am not a submissive woman.

I think that a woman who is submissive by nature would have had a simpler time accepting The Man’s statement and would not have continued to push.  I could be wrong, but I know that I did not, because it was one of those things that was not logical to me…and I can’t operate in world with no logic.

I am not submissive by nature…it is a continual choice for me to accept The Man as authority and not usurp that authority at every opportunity.

In that case where He pulled out the BECAUSE card I failed.

Slavery doesn’t mean – at least not for me – success 100% of the time….and with my attitude, 90% could be asking for trouble.

Thankfully perfection is not a requirement.

The thing is because He had to pull out the BECAUSE card….I will face this situation again.  I just do not know when.

I could be tomorrow it could be in 4 years, but because I failed once, means I have to be ‘re-tested’.

Dude, I hate tests.

I need unwavering trust in him to belong to him, especially at this junction, there is no turning back now.

What I sometimes forget is that unwavering trust I need He ALSO needs.

Apparently I will be visiting this topic…it deserves much more discussion, and much more examination….but today despite holding onto that title for so long I can say:

I am not a submissive woman….I am a slave.

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
This entry was posted in A Glimpse into the process, BDSM Related. Bookmark the permalink.