Be thankful constant reader that this is not my only outlet for the things that run through my head. You would be exposed to far too much of me, and it would scare you. It scares me and I allegedly have the capacity to manage these thoughts.
A part of me that you rarely see is that I can be a nervous nelly. I can think of every possible thing that can go wrong in any given situation from forest fire to alien abduction to a Santorum/Palin ticket winning the 2012 elections. It can happen when I am making dinner or just having a moment in my relationship.
It can happen when I am bathing my mother or painting my toenails. It has been with me for so long and I am working on changing it. My faith helps more than anything, but I do need other little helpers.
A couple of times I have written here vaguely about something that was troubling me and you could hear the exasperation and desperation in my written voice, only to have me appear at a later date and say never mind.
That is something that I am going to kill.
If it is about HIM or not, I don’t want my constant reader on such a roller coaster, so I will be tweeking and playing with how I relay thoughts like that.
The mentee has been a great source of information and self understanding for me in the past week. Her situation is not at all like mine, but in counseling her I seem to be able to answer my own questions.
What I appreciate the most about the mentee is her unadulterated belief in happily ever after. She is a reminder to me that it is okay to believe in that again.
What also came up this week again with the mentee is EX SEX.
Maybe I just am not clear in my position, but I think that I am, no fuck that I know that I am.
So it was a bit of a shock to have to have that conversation with the mentee.
First he’s not my ex. He’s a very good friend, and someone that I love but he’s not an ex. We’ve had sex but he is not an ex.
Second it should be apparent that I stand by my position based on what happened on the first night the three of us were together. Mind you it was a nite that fell completely apart for me, and I pulled rank at the end of it for selfish reasons, but there is no reasonable expectation that I would ever do that again. That set of circumstances can not happen again – it is impossible for that perfect storm of events to occur.
Do I think it could work? Who fucking knows? Maybe she is the one to make him see life in a different manner. Maybe he is the one to alter her white dress interview dateline. I know that I am okay with it.
No I will be a little jealous. But of him not her. It’s kind of a long story but golly gee willikers he would be lucky to tap that on the regular. But since we are all good friends maybe they will let me watch a video or something.