So I am still here, but then again so are you since you are reading this. Fear not though the actual END of the world is October 21, 2011…..there is still time. I will be having a party, hit me up for an invite.
Classes are kicking my ass, but at least they are interesting this time around. I have been quite – ish but that is because what is in my head to talk about is not a simple subject. At least it is not a simple subject for me to attack and convey I should state.
I have cycles of obedience, compliance, acceptance, and then I have moments where I want to pack my shit and get ghost. Not that I want to leave HIM, that is not an option, it is that what I signed up for seems like so much more than I am able to handle.
The word ‘why’ has basically been eliminated from my vocabulary replaced with ‘Yes Sir’ and it is the fact that I am not asking why that troubles me the most.
This relationship is quite challenging, it would be even if we did not have the history that we share, the history makes it even more so. The agreement was/is the history gets put into the history books and the future is not written. That portion of the process has not been all that difficult. Its a beautiful thing to get to know someone and to fall in what ever I have fallen in. New (insert word I will not say) is a powerful drug that hits the vein in ways most others will not.
But when you hit points in a relationship, that every relationship hits, new (insert word I will not say) gets pushed and tested and limits are poked at, and it takes more than a coke and a smile to transition past and out of that point.
No matter how fit and compatible a couple may be, they can not live in a bubble. Work, school, friends, children, fake raptures, Dancing with the Stars, all hit the foundation you are building like waves on a pier.
If the pier is strong enough? The wood gets really smooth and polished. If the pier is not strong enough…..it falls
What if your fear of falling is greater than your fear of standing tall? What then? How do you make it work?
My advice to people in similar situations has always been go back to the basics. You chose _____ for a reason, you have stayed for a reason, what is your reason?
That type of response typically gets a Nicole will you stop being so fucking analytical and just tell me what to do! The thing is today these are my questions.
Doubt exists sometimes not because the person has given you REASON to doubt, but because sometimes there is work left for you to do that will free you up for the other stuff.
I have no doubt about who and what HE is. I have no doubt that our connection is not happenstance it is a design by a power greater than us to allow us to do the work we are supposed to do hear on earth , for the next 6 months that it lasts.
I have no doubt that we are sure and capable and practical and that the sun will rise in the east tomorrow.
I have doubts that I am strong enough to get this done.
I have a mantra that I am supposed to recite daily:
I am a titan
nothing can stop me
I don’t do it every day though. Many days I don’t feel like anything except a silly girl playing grown up, waiting for the call to dinner and the homework check and bubble bath with toys.
My life has happened and unfolded around and despite me more times than I want to share, but it will all be in the book anyhow.
What needs to happen now is that I need to step up and stop letting things happen and be an active participant in this thing called life. That also includes this relationship. Although “submissive” is who I am, and how I live, it does not = passive and that balance is what I fear being able to locate.
I fear getting to the point that I can take the wheel, and then being able to hand it over to someone bigger and stronger.
Taking the wheel makes me less inclined to pass it off, and there can only be one driver.