I told someone today: I suffer in silence. It is all that I know how to do. At 38 I still have severe trust issues and days like today do not assist with the situation.
A while back I was attempting to explain it to someone and I wasn’t able to say out loud, not really, what if nothing happens? Then what do I do? The conversation was about something that I should have said, and I just didn’t. It was conditioning over time to not open my mouth and ask.
I learned as a little girl don’t ask and they can never tell you no. No is the worst word in the world next to good bye.
I can ask for little things….$30 dollars in a short month, the occasional ride from point A to point B. The big stuff though I just kind of look at it, berate it for being there, and try to push Mt Everest myself. The thing with that is I give myself hernias and the bitch still doesn’t move.
I thought back to that conversation today when I was finally able to look at my text messages and thought this is why. There are some things that are difficult to come back from and I want less difficult these days. If I asked and the answer was no it would create doubt, it would make me waiver, and I would be right back to June of 2007. June of 2007 was the darkest month of my life. I never want to go back there again.
All of my foundation was eroded in those 30 days and there were moments when I thought that I would not make it until July. Everything that I had ever believed in was snatched away from me that month, like a 7 year old finding out there really is no Santa Claus, except with adult repercussions.
If I asked and the answer was no, all the work that I did to erase Brisbane from my memory would come flooding back and I would be crippled unable to move and that is not an option for me right now.
Today again I did not ask – not that person. But since I mentioned Brisbane, well let me just say…..I am glad therapy is tomorrow.
4 people know what happened to me today. One gave me advice that I was already on top of, but I am thankful for that advice anyhow. Another has not yet responded but I understand why. A third sent me a text message that had no relevance to my situation, and while I try to figure that out I will speak a little on the 4th.
I don ‘t have many friends. I have quite a few people that I keep on the fringe of my life, because it just feels wrong not to have people around. Only a small group I would call friend.
The DJ is a friend. Loyal and true and strong and unwavering. In a past life I did something very right to be blessed with the DJ in this one.
We met through that infamous telephone line ( one day I will write a blog about just how many folk from that phone line are still around these days ) and the DJ has been quite the hero in those years since.
I credit Newark with saving my life once, the DJ has been there in the middle of the tornadoes though. And the DJ is not afraid of a little wind.
In the days before Brisbane, the DJ is the one that I turned to for that one last *or so I thought* opportunity to make things right.
When it was time to hit the Uhaul storage the DJ was there.
Today after a chanting session that left me breathless, snotty and light headed I looked up and saw the DJ’s truck.
I did not allow myself to think it was the DJ at first, but I should not have doubted it.
The DJ was at the door though. The DJ saved my life.
As we talked some I thought about all of the times the DJ has been there for me, and how I have rarely been able to be there for him. It is not that I have not wanted to be, it is that my life so rarely affords me the chance to be that rock. For Bonnie and Clyde, I can be most of the time, but for anyone who is not them well you take your chances.
I don’t intend to be that way, but it’s not easy being green.
I thank the DJ for his bottomless affection and generosity.
I am stuck with a situation though, and it is not my abdomen.
In 6 hours I reverted back to June of 2007.
I am soooo right there is it not even close to being funny. Little about this day has been funny though.
I didn’t have expectations when I sent the text. I just needed to state the facts. Things occurred that notifications needed to be made for and about, and it was a statement of fact not a request for help. Remember I do not ask.
My first response had me speechless. There are 100 things in a day that I won’t understand, but that first response was the biggest of today. I let it go though until I almost said out loud – almost – something that I promised myself I would not say yet.
And the last text message has me here typing – and in my personal journal – typing – because to do anything else is not something I have the strength to do after today.
If I fix my mouth to say one more thing, Brisbane will come up, and I am not willing to talk about Brisbane. In 5 or 10 years maybe, but not tonight – especially not tonight. Not after the DJ saved my life.
Plausible deniability is a double edged sword, and with someone like me with a fertile imagination, I don’t need that right now. It could disintegrate quickly, and that I have no strength for today. Nor tomorrow, nor the day after.
The day after would be Wednesday. And sweet baby jesus in the manger Wednesday can not be risked!
Reasonable doubt can get a murderer back on the streets in the time it takes to say not guilty. Reasonable doubt here will be the butterfly effect times 50.
I can’t unsee what I have seen though, and I can not undo what has been done.
I suppose that all I can do is get in front of the altar. Luckily for me it is the best thing that I can do.
4 people know about what happened to me today. So why is my brain focused on only one of them?