As Seen On Television

I ran across a sentence that got me to thinking tonight.  The paraphrase is here:  Dreams that come true are just as life altering as the dreams that do not.

It got me to thinking about my dreams that have come true, and the ones that have not.

There are so many more dreams that I have for myself and for my family, that I hope to see live in technicolor before all is said and done.

I still dream a little for me though, even if it is a recent development in my alterations.

As a little girl I dreamt of the prince on his white horse like every other little girl does.  I loved the frill and circumstance of the different variations of Romeo & Juliet that came across the TV screen.  What appealed to me mostly though were the ‘pure’ one.  Laura and Manly on Little House on the Prairie.  Lily & Holden on As the World Turns.  I could give example over and over of the girl who finds her one true love.

I thought that when you fell in love it was forever and ever amen, and that was all there was to it.  I thought this despite my poor examples of adult love found with my mother and father.  It was perhaps that which drew me to that pure example that novels and television told me existed.  

The first time that I felt what I thought was love and it ended, my little girl dreams were almost shattered.  There is a design in me though that will not let go of a concept even if I know that it will not work.

Kevin and I did not live happily every after, but I still thought that just maybe, I could fall in love and be with the person that I loved just like on TV.

I came close with Michael, and oddly enough it was one night with him refusing to do what I told him to do that sealed our fate.  Do I think that I could be happy in a relationship with a man and I am the Dominant partner?  Yes.  It would have to be an extraordinary man though, and Michael was just average. 

I came close with Eddie.  I was falling in love with him when things just went poorly and I could not figure out what the cure was to what ailed us.  I still think about his half blind ass from time to time, but the chapter is absolutely closed.  Mike was – at least I thought at the time – my last chance at love.  No I wasn’t quite 25, but I still looked at him in that manner.

He didn’t work out because he wasn’t ready for me or to love me, but it did not stop me from falling for him. 

I went to the site – it was then called Telepersonals – because I wanted affection and companionship but I did not want the hurt that I’d experienced when Mike left.  It hurt a lot.  I don’t know that I ever told him just how much he injured me.  Not even when he found me on FaceBook about 2 years ago.  I still have affection for him as a person, but I love him like a man no longer.

It was not all that long after, that I met the ex.  I should never have met him, if things were left up to circumstance, but I am not a woman who believes in circumstance.

Everything about the two of us at that stage of our lives were wrong for each other – except for the fact that we existed.

He was not as ready as he thought he was, I was certainly not as ready as I said I was.  I was too naive and green, he was too battle tested to slow down.  He told me once that he knew immediately.  I did not.

I knew that there was something about him that held my attention but I thought that the two of us were not going to be a good match.  Instead I had the relationship that defined a decade of my life and made choices for me I never would have otherwise.

The dream that never came true for me is that the ex and I would live happily ever after.  Instead, I have a relationship with a man that I did not think was possible, in ways that I’d convinced myself no longer existed.

I gave up on the concept of love, even while being in love with someone else.

It sounds a little crazy  but the little girl within me is still looking for that prince on the horse to rescue me from the tower.   What I have now is so much different.

There are times when I am with him that I forget to breathe, and my heart literally stops beating.

There are moments where I cry because what I am feeling is so off the hook that I can not do anything but cry.

There are times when I would like to shake him like a salt shaker sometimes but through it all my devotion to him is unchallenged and unending.  This is where I am supposed to be.

My failures in the past made things harder for him than they should have been.  It’s a challenge though when you have been hurt to live and love as if you have never been hurt.  We were talking the other day and I told him we should just write the story.  He and I both have issues with the idea that there is no other story out there than the one William Shakespeare wrote called Romeo & Juliet.  All of media has been invaded with the concept, all of his girl as well.

I am no  longer in the tower awaiting rescue, but I still need my prince and his kiss.

So far though he rides better than anyone could have ever imagined. 

We had a major shift recently that reduced me to tears, and I know those tears confused him, but I found myself unable to explain….I have no words so I have to cry.

I did eventually explain…but not before the tears.  Thankfully he likes tears.  Both the ones when he is causing me pain and when he is causing me pleasure.

The dreams that do come true can rock your foundation in ways one never knew.  At least I never knew.  I am thankful for them though. 

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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