Losing My Religion

It’s a bit of a southern United States term for being at the end of your rope.

I am not quite there.

Every so often I have a moment or 10.  It ain’t easy being green.

Tonight I want to talk to you about insecurity.  We all have them, we all do, yes you.

Mine seem bigger than other folks but then again I am bigger than other folks.

Right now – April 1 2011.  I have no questions about how HE feels about me.  Zero.  That was not the case as recently as November but today I know.  And ironically it is today that I feel less than worthy.

How I feel about HIM should not be a secret to anyone.  It’s him, and in many ways it always has been no matter who else was in my life – yes even the ex.

No one else can do for me what he does, yet I still feel something other than happy despite the happiness.

This is mostly my cross to bear, although he picks up as he can and helps me.

I come from a history of not being the most desired or in some cases even wanted.

I can go all the way back to birth to give you examples but as you come along this ride with me constant reader you will see for yourself.

I go to therapy to work through some of these issues and by golly it just doesn’t seem like I am moving at all.

I am though.

But back to HIM.

What I want for HIM is different than what  HE wants for HIMSELF.  Sort of.

HE wants me. I question HIS sanity for it at the same time I thank the heavens for it.

What I want for HIM is someone younger, and prettier and thinner and smarter and childless and with less baggage and less responsibility who is less neurotic. 

Yes my list is bigger than HIS.  I see it though that with all that HE gives to me HE deserves something other than me. Yet I am unwilling to give up that feeling.

Every day now it seems we are breaking new ground and pushing limits and I almost feel as if I will go insane from the shifts.  Yet I remain because there is no place else that I want to be,

It ain’t easy being me.

I had an issue a little bit ago.  HE wanted me to send him a video.  It was a simple request and one that I was able to comply with and handle.

Our responses to that video were different.

I saw everything that was wrong with me, HE saw the most beautiful creature on the planet.

I saw all of the parts of my body that I would like to make disappear, HE saw all of the parts of HIS body that he wanted to molest and whip and smack and caress.

HE got a journal entry about it, and I spoke freely about how odd HIS attraction seemed.  That got me the side eye. 

I think all of the time though this man can have any woman on the planet that he wants!

HE looks at me and sees the woman that he wants.

No I still do not understand it, but I am almost to the point that I can stop questioning it.  That is where I am almost at the end of my rope.  I am almost to the point that I can stop doubting HIS sincerity and move to another ‘weak spot’.  To be honest I thought that it would take much longer to let go of a decade of conditioning from the ex.  But I have lived a lot in these years and I am not that girl any longer.

Trust is still an issue for me.  Trusting in who I am, trusting in what we are building, trusting that maybe this time the other shoe won’t drop. 

At the end of the day though…I do believe in fairy tales.

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.

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