As I am waiting for feedback for my big two entries I ran across something that I needed to share.
I was filtering my email and tossing things into folders as I do, and realized that I still have 300 or so emails from Reginald.
I was doing something else for someone far more important but I only had one hand available so I scrolled through the old emails.
Many of them were journal entries.
When I first became Reginald’s, because of the distance, I offered to do a journal. I thought it would help him in understanding me better and that it would be a tool that was useful for him. There were things that I would need to say that would be either difficult to say to him on the phone, or our time would be limited since our conversations typically happened after the house was settled.
I wrote in that online journal every day at first, and when it became apparent that he was not reading the journals I fell off. Why bother if he’s never going to read them I thought. Still blinded by my love, still blinded by a perception.
It got me to thinking of all the ‘little’ signs that I had that reminded me that I should not be in a relationship with him, but I remained still, and far too long.
Reginald’s refusal to read the journal eventually led to me seeking attention and an emotional connection to someone else. Nothing came of that flirtation, and had the two of us acted on it, nothing would really have changed. That other person was not interested in owning me and I was not interested in leaving Reginald.
It is the refusal that I want to talk about though:
Reginald had a very clear idea of what he wanted from me – I had a very clear idea of what I wanted from him. There were many similarities, but the differences at the end of it all is what killed us.
Reginald was a bit extreme in some of his tastes. He wished for things that even I was not ready for and I am ready for the world.
In our earliest conversations when I’d accepted my role as slave (which at that time we both saw as different than submissive) – he made mention of the role of one of his other girls in his household. He talked about how SHE served him and what it meant to him and how he dealt with her. At some point in that conversation, and the specifics of HOW we got there elude me at this time, he said this:
“Don’t worry babygirl. It is not your place to mount the German Shepard in this house.”
I silently thanked the baby jesus that the webcam that Waffles gave me did not work with my PC and started looking for the exit sign, and simply said: “Oh”.
The tone of that oh was a dead giveaway though because a handful of moments later THE question came: Would you have sex with a dog for Daddy?
I knew the answer but instead I said this:
I do not know if I trust you to being be back from where having sex with a dog would take me.
Yes that is what I said. No I was not smoking crack. Yes I will explain.
The answer to that question is:
not even with your dick motherfucker, and while I am thinking of it, your momma must have gotten gang banged by a litter of retarded Chihuahuas for you to fix your fraggle rock mouth to ask me that question. Fuck you, everybody that looks like you, everybody that smells like you, and everybody that looked at you last Thursday.
Response one was still not an ‘acceptable’ response for Reginald, but response two would have given me my walking papers on the spot.
THAT type of disagreement is a deal breaker ladies and gentlemen. That right there should have caused a Jigsaw Saw One ‘ game over ‘ and the lights should have gone out. Yet I remained. I can be a stubborn bitch.
At some point? He’s going to find some woman that is willing to fuck a dog for him, it was just NEVER going to be me.
Yet he kept me.
For Reginald it was not as important that I fuck a dog, as it was that I not tell him no donnie darko I will not fuck a dog. His conclusion of the conversation was he would get K to do it. I thanked the lords of middle earth that I was not on a video phone and said “Oh”.
As our relationship progressed, and he met others closer to him and more willing to give things the old college try, I have a feeling that we both thought, I will tolerate x y or z now because of the distance but when we get into the same house there will be adjustments.
That is what you can not do constant reader. You can not look at the person across from you and think for even a millisecond that they will change.
When K2 came into the picture, and exhibited a greater desire to serve and fill darker needs I thought WHEW! I am sure he thought – Nicole will follow this example.
Had one of us stopped the madness at the dog sex conversation we would not have had to endure that which we did.
What I don’t think Reginald ever got? K2 really thinks that she can not leave. I always knew where the door was, I was just unwilling to open it. Until I did.
It is very important constant reader to understand that you have to pay attention to the little details and you have to understand who you are and what your limits are. You must then choose wisely and look for the warning signs. They are ALWAYS there if the relationship is not meant for you.
Otherwise you could end up wearing dog sperm, and that is not what is hot on the runways @ Fashion Week.