So the mentee and I were talking this morning and it felt like something that needed to be dropped here…only I don’t exactly know how to say what is in my head.
We were going over her assignments for the last week, and I wanted to talk to her about something that she’d written in her journal.
With her permission here is a summary:
I can’t wait until Daddy & I can be 24/7 and married and then I can give all of this up.
Our conversation today was about what she was giving up – what she thought marriage would do to her relationship – and what she wanted out of this mentor/mentee relationship.
Mind you I have seen ‘issues’ in her writings and our conversations, but this was the first time that she said it out loud, to me and I could address it directly. I don’t have the conversation until I know that you are ready, and saying it to me in that way(through the journal)tells me that you are ready.
Her summarized point was:
She was enjoying the sex, she was enjoying the play, she was enjoying the domestic part of her service, but when she finally settled down and married this man she was looking forward to not having to live this life any longer. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but she was happy that she could look forward to a time of equality.
At that point I hit her with the dreaded words: Is that what you think?
And I am training her well, her response was awwww hell!
We had a discussion about what she really wanted. What it boils down to is that she wants THIS MAN. I asked her did she think she could return to a time when these things did not exist. She said she could not.
Then the talk got interesting.
We talked about what I live through with Daddy, we talked about my friends in relationships, my friends who are married, and I shared (again) my vision of an M/s couple who are married.
I explained to her that she may not actually want a D/M/s relationship and she needs to do some serious soul searching NOW because if she didn’t she needed to talk to him.
Her position was that well he wants me. And he does…but the point that I had to make to her, is that she (and him) made the conscious decision to enter into a specific type of relationship, and to think that things would or should change once the ring was on the finger was setting herself up for hurt and aggravation.
She didn’t get it at first, and I sort of didn’t either.
It was only through the explanation conversation that it started to make sense.
Marriage in the Western world has turned into a partnership – a 50/50 dynamic. For those of us who have grown up to see that in action it is natural for us to think that well that is what my marriage will be.
I don’t share that vizion though. She asked what I thought would happen when I married Daddy, and I hit her with the ‘pump your breaks shortie’.
I explained once more that marriage was not the goal of my current relationship – or at least it was not for me. If it is for him, then that is a conversation that she needs to have with him.
But I did tell her that IF the time came that he decided we should marry, the only thing that would change would be my last name, and the benefits at the VA.
She asked me if I wanted the white dress and the ring and the reception…at which point I asked her if she’s ever paid any attention to me.
I don’t dream of a large wedding with 12 bridesmaids and cold chicken. I fully expect if it ever happens that it will happen in Wesley Snipes fashion, 15 minutes at the local courthouse.
What I do for HIM I don’t do to gain the applause and the approval of the outside world I do it because it pleases him, and it doesn’t hurt me.
I do not expect equality, I do not expect traditional reciprocity. I am his and that is all that I want to be.
If HE and I were to hit the courthouse nothing changes, and that is how it should be. Not just from a D/M/s perspective but in life as well.
Even were she not exploring this life and it’s bells & whistles, for her to expect things to change once the ring is on her finger is setting them both up for failure.
I asked her if he changed, and decided that after the wedding he no longer wished to be dominant and lead the relationship, how would she feel? Her response…she would be upset because that is why she picked him.
Well if you are deciding that once you are married you no longer need to be ‘as submissive’ how is he supposed to react to that?
Eventually I got an “oh” to that question….eventually.
That seems to happen fairly often in relationships and I do not want to fall into that trap. It is why I welcome the little things that HE does that remind me of who I am what my place is in life and that I belong to HIM.
Having bathroom restriction days won’t work for everyone…as a recent conversation reminded me of….but they work for ME as a reminder. Everyday bathroom restriction? Maybe not so much…but then again it is not something that is required of me on a daily basis.
If nothing else through this mentorship, I am gaining a better understanding of who I am and how to better serve HIM.
If the M word ever exits from HIS mouth, there is no delusion of equality for me, there is no need to understand my role as wife or slave. I will always be HIS slave. That is what is most important to me, and that is what I hope to always be the case.
The mentee…..she really hates her assignment for this weekend, but it is the right thing for her.