Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

This was a toss up between two people….so I decided instead to write two letters:

I didn’t know that you had other plans, and I didn’t know that I didn’t fit in them.  I would eventually realize this, and it was almost too late.  The universe has a way though of making things happen as they are supposed to happen.

I learned about your youth from others besides you.  I wish you had been willing to tell me yourself.  It would have made a difference and maybe I would have bent a little more.  But then again you know me…I don’t bend well.

It took quite a while to put all of the pieces together to figure out why when you picked me you treated me as you did.  It was not until I was a mother myself that I truly figured it out.  I am not the enemy though, and I never was.

I didn’t think that I would save your marriage, I didn’t think that I would be who I ended up being.   What I am learning through practice – what I have learned through life – there is no wrong, things happen just as they are supposed to happen.  I know that Lewis leaving was painful, but it was not my fault.

If we are being honest?  You should have seen it coming eventually, after all  how did the two of you meet?  You thought that by delivering a daughter you would alter his behavior, what you didn’t know is that just like everything else related to that man, Betty had beaten you to the punch.

You punished me for years because of it, and I wonder sometimes if you still do.   I would like you to forgive me.  I would like you to see me as you and I are NOW – two adult women still trying to figure it all out and just once say, who you are is okay with me.

I know that I may never get that opportunity….but I would like it anyhow.

**********

Your text the other day surprised me.  Yes we talked, but after the talk and after the quiet I realized….I was no different that someone else that we both know.

You are back in my head because someone mentioned you today and in the passing reference something was said that I apparently missed in my zeal to be me.  While we are very alike, our approach to things are very different.

I’ve heard a lot about my role in this thing, and even though I am positive that I was not malicious in my intentions, I may have just been short sighted.

I didn’t look past how I manage things to think that you could manage them differently.  In the minutes after the statement and we’d moved onto something else in the conversation, I thought back to what was said and it hit me, perhaps they are right.

It took me back and I had to look again at how things developed.  No I still could not have known without you sharing details, and you didn’t do that, but maybe I could have seen it before things got all wrong.

Your approach to potentials for lack of a better word.  As we talked some more I still went over events & I am still comfortable that the only other thing I could have done, well I could not have done it.

I even went into our old conversations, 2 years worth, and I still saw the same things I have always said, and wonder how did it get so twisted?  My only answer is that I didn’t look hard enough.

I am reminded over and over again that you have to re-learn to trust me.  I still scratch my head at that one, but I am still not opposed to giving that to you.  I never stopped worrying I never stopped caring and you will think me crazy but I saw developments coming after the incident.

  No I am not psychic, but I do pay attention.

I needed to ask myself something and have an honest answer before I wrote this.  If the situation were different….would I still be ‘okay’ with it.  Would I still want you around, would I still miss our friendship, would I still be able to say I want you in my space.  Once I realized that for me the answer was :: yes :: it was simple to let go of my pain (yes I carried pain too) and just be.

At the end of the day I valued what we shared over this incident, but then again apparently my pain was not as deep as yours. 

It would be nice….but if it never occurs there is no anger here.

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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