I got to thinking about this multiple times today so it must be something meant for me to write about.
Normally my position on dealing with me is take me as I am or have nothing at all as Mary J would say. I have little to no interest in being anything other than who I am. What I have found though is that who I am has changed over time. Some of it by my hand, some not as much.
In a conversation with a Dominant friend he expressed that there is scarce little that he enjoys more than being able to ‘break’ his woman. He wants to be able to have a woman come into service to him, dismantle her defenses, have her totally open to him and remove her resistance. To be so deep into her psyche that he could very well make her do anything that he wanted her to do. The thing is though, with this man I firmly believe that he has the self control to stop.
Allow me to try to explain – I will personalize it.
There are two things that I am deathly afraid of: clowns & latex balloons. My Master could very well get me to have a gang bang with 40 Bozos, and blow up 1000 balloons with my own mouth, but he would not do that.
I would do both because that is how deep my commitment is to HIM, he would not ask that of me despite his sadistic streak because he values me.
That is what I am talking about. Alterations down to almost a cellular level.
The Nicole that you know from these pages is not the Nicole that used to exist. She was formed in the fires from the mountains of Mordor! *sorry I could not resist that one*
I am – as we all are – the sum of my life experiences.
Had I never met my ex, I could very well have gone off to live a happy little life, with a happy little man, and still be waiting for my happy little orgasms.
Instead he popped up in my inbox one day and I was altered forever.
I didn’t understand my sexuality, I did not have a method to express my sexuality, and I was okay with that. I was a ‘good’ little girl with a couple of dirty thoughts but nothing that I would have ever acted on, and nothing that I would have ever sought elsewhere.
From our very first naked mambo, I realized just how far ahead on the sexual learning curve the ex was and it was my desire for HIM that allowed me to let loose some of my hangups. It was a desire to be close to him that led me to my path of decadance. I ain’t mad about that at all.
So tonight on Twitter I got to rambling about squirting, which took me back to the thoughts of I done be changed. I look at who I used to be, and who I am and realize, there is never any going back for me. That makes my pool of potentials very small, but regardless I can’t go back.
It also got me to thinking about other alterations that I have made (or will make)
My tattoo is one of them. I remember once upon a time I swore that I would never get a tattoo for a man. Right we see how that worked out …. alteration.
I used to have a long list of things that I would never do. I no longer have that list. I would if pressed say children and animals are ‘hard limits’ but in TRUTH they are not in a traditional sense. Being totally honest there is a circumstance that could take me there for both….but that circumstance has as much of a chance of happening as Barak Obama turning into a midget lucha libre wrestler tomorrow, with breasts and a vagina.
I was faced with one of those ‘hard limits’ with Master. Red winging.
Now understand with my toy, my vagina was to be worshiped at my command, and he was an obedient boy. I took precautions, and had him prepare me for it, but time of the month didn’t mean he didn’t go downtown. What it did, was restrict how ELSE I interacted with him. Hell even that was a general attitude shift. I had an ex who tried to go down on me once when TOM was in town, and that is why he is my ex. THAT’S NASTY! I said and bye bye Michael.
I could not get over the fact that he was willing to do it. My TOY Michael I forced to do it. Master is a whole other story.
TOM is very much of a cock blocker…and it interferes in much of what I like to do with him. Blood is not a hard limit for him though. The occasion to have that conversation never occurred. There is no conversation with us about those types of things now. He will do what he wants and I will say yes.
It was not exactly period sex, but there was blood, and the word NASTY never entered into my brain. What did enter into my brain was I have to kiss him. Then it was I have to have him in my ass. Then it was I have to kiss him. Then it was well I won’t go there right now.
My extra freaky ex put up a window for me to see what was possible, Master knocked the wall down, and walked on in.
There could very well be other physical alterations ahead of me. Permanent like the tattoo? Perhaps, I know that some will be ‘temporary’ and when I came to that realization I didn’t like it. I went through something similar with my former Master, apparently there is something about that part of my anatomy that makes sadists want to abuse me. Well much more likely is that my vocal discomfort at the thought of it fuels their lust for it.
When that realization hit me I spent hours agonizing over it. Why why why why why? It is just fine how it is why does he want to change it! DAMNITALLTOHELL! My immediate response though, and my response now: Yes Sir. Thy Will Be Done. I have zero desire to make this alteration for me, but it will be done because he has said so.
Somewhere right now someone’s slavey slave heart is weeping at the above admission. There is this fairy tale image of the perfect slave who is slap happy to do everything that Master wants. I said it before though, that ain’t me.
Accepting Master’s desires as my own does not mean that I no longer HAVE those desires, it means that it is more important to me that his are met, even if it is not something that I want to do.
The idea that I have no thoughts other than what he gives me, or will other than his, or rights other than they are given by him…..miss me with it. I won’t engage in that argument. What I will say though is if that is how you do what you do……good luck with that if he gets hit by a truck tomorrow.
I still have a brain, I still have desires, I still have choices, and I always will – slave or not HIS slave. What I do have is a compulsion to obey and that is what sets me apart from a bottom or submissive in a ‘traditional’ sense.
But what the hell do I know anyhow?