okay well not actually, at least not the quote that inspired this blog.
I have mentioned that submission is not ‘simple’ for me. The process of trusting and letting go is something that I still struggle with on occasion.
I will have weeks where everything is just as it should be, then one tiny irrelevant thing will have me collapse into tears. I had one of those moments recently.
We were in the car and he said something totally innocent and my non slave brain went off to the races. Yes I have a non slave brain, it is what has kept me so single for so long.
He said it and my mind went to 1000 places in 6 seconds. A hundred little things all seemed to be pointing to the exit and I wondered if I would hop out at a stop light. Seriously.
I get just that bad sometimes.
I sat there after that statement and looked at the past few months and asked a question, does it matter.
Yes my non slave brain screamed out!
Then my slave brain said…are we here again? How many more times are we going to be here…please tell me so I can get this shit out of the way and we can get back to progress.
I got quiet then, and he noticed, as he notices everything. I didn’t really have an answer though. I was unsure how to relay the battle in my head without sounding insane. But in his typical fashion he knew and allowed me to reconcile what was happening.
The thing about being a girl is that there are times that I get to say Daddy I need a hug. And I get one. The thing about being a slave is that you don’t want to get to those moments where you need that hug. At least I don’t.
There are Dominants out there that prefer a much more docile version of the slave than they would get in me. One with fewer opinions, less mouth, less bossy, less demanding. For some the fact that I admit to any of that would be an indication that I am not slave material. That my list of ‘demands’ is not endearing and the fact that I am willing to tell you what I need is proof that I do not want to submit, rather I just want a little slap and tickle.
Thankfully he is not one of those Dominants.
Yes I can still be all of those things above, and even with him there are ways to take that too far. I have quite the independent streak. It gets me into trouble, but I am still learning and he is patient.
I don’t do this often, talk about ‘us’. I kind of had to today though because of the subject matter.
When the slave brain, the slave heart, and the non slave head collide. It can be ugly really or it can just be a teaching opportunity.
It was a handful of words, out of thousands that we have shared that started my conflict. I thought to myself this is proof of what you fear. Yes in ways I am still looking for that proof. It took courage to breathe and in the relative quiet listen to what was going on in my head.
I am a person who says, if it doesn’t make sense you are missing something. I thought that it did not make sense, or at least my non slave brain would not allow it to make sense.
I needed to sit there and reflect, and he allowed it. By the time we got to our destination that day, I was still unsure until I took his hand. We’ve been to this particular location before, so my steps were more sure, I knew where the ground was uneven. On his left I walked with him not with the hesitancy of one who didn’t know where she was going, but with the confidence that I was where I was supposed to be. We may not ever go there again, but that day I knew.
We didn’t talk about it, he did give me the opportunity to do so. Instead I talked about something else, semi related but not at the core of what ailed me. As he listened to what I had to say, he in turn said NOTHING, but instead he chose to show me something.
I watched as he demonstrated, and it allowed me to do something different than I ever had before.
There are things required of me that I do, with a pout. Some would again say that is proof that you are not a slave! You should rejoice in what is required of you! oh.
Yeah that’s not me. My brain still works and I still have preferences and at times there are things that I just do not want to do. I am not the tin man walking around singing “If I Only Had A Brain”. If they are instructed I do them, but it was never negotiated that I needed to like them. If you find me the slave who LIKES everything that the Master requires, I will show you exactly when they lost that last strand of humanity and sanity.
What is required of me is that I obey. I took the opportunity given to express something – he listened – and then he adjusted the method. The task remained the same because it was his wish, but he took to the time to make that 1 time simpler for me to complete. At the end of it, his actions allowed me to hand over one more piece of my authority to him.
I will not always get that treatment. At some point, at some junction, the directive will be given and it will be expected of me to comply without the ‘training wheels’. The sign of an attentive and caring Master is knowing when the wheels are needed and when they get to come off.
Yes I learned a lesson that day, but I also grew into my slavery that day too. He also grew into his Mastery of me.
“You are a river, I lay by your shore, you can take us anywhere.” – author withheld
I think that I may be almost ready for my next lesson.