Unapologetic

That is a word that is typically used to describe me.  It has it’s good and bad moments.

Accepting who you are is one of the more difficult challenges in this lifetime.  I excel at it most times, on occasion though I wonder if my self acceptance doesn’t hinder the process.

Does my acceptance of my weight allow me to be less than motivated to be thinner?
Does my acceptance of my addictions allow me to continue them, even when they are the least healthy alternative?
Does my acceptance of my flaws allow me to not make as large a stride as I need to for self improvement?

Does my acceptance of others allow behavior that I would not tolerate elsewhere?  I know the answer to this one….yes.

When I am invested in you, I make exceptions.

I do not make excuses, but I do make exceptions. 

It’s something that I will likely bring up in therapy but I have to wonder if those exceptions are as a result of my fear of being alone?

I mean we all have that fear right?  That we will grow old and gray without someone else, and that all of our lifes work will have little impact.

Maybe it is just me.

I don’t fear being alone because I am not worthy of having partners in life, I fear being alone because life has shown me that I am exceptional.  When you are exceptional, the people that you surround yourself with – or have the ability to – shrinks.

In a world with 7 billion or so people, there are few of us that are exceptional.  We may seek one another out, but it is a world with 7 billion or so people….we are rather spread out.

Often times in my interpersonal relationships, I hit a moment where I have to ask is it them or me?  The semi obvious answer would be that it is me….after I am the constant in the equation.  But it is not JUST me if that makes some sense.

It is me in that I attract a certain type of person  – it is not me in that I have very little influence on who that person is typically.

If I get to the point that I must ask the question a decision must be made…do I accept or do I reject?

My history has been that I will accept for much longer than the average bear.

I have made progress in that segment of Nicole, but perhaps not enough. 

Just before I returned to these walls the last time I made significant cuts in the people around me.

I looked at everyone who was within arms reach and I made a decision if they should stay or go.

How much more would I be willing to accept?

I have had cycles of people within my life, based on where I was at that time….this could very well be the beginning of a new cycle.

I told someone earlier that this is the healthiest I have been in years, and it is true.  Even though there are many things that have been stirred up and brought to the surface it is healthier to deal with them, than it is to keep them buried.

I do not like having to deal with some of these issues…no sir!  But if I am to be as healthy as I must be, they have to be dealt with.

I have coping mechanisms and tools, but it doesn’t stop what I have been carrying for so long from being ugly at times.  There has been lots of ugliness.  But there has been beauty as well.  Even with the issues here in the house right now there is still beauty, in the snores of Bonnie & Clyde.

I have no clue how much longer I can hold it all together…but I will fight for a little while more they are worth it.

There is beauty in the web page that you can not see that is in my other tab.  I won’t go into detail except to say there is nothing that can make me smile bigger unless of course it is the midget Dominant.

There is beauty that I get to sit here right now and type this….that is not always a given, and if you lived here you would understand.

Seeing the beauty in others makes it difficult to be unapologetic, when you want to surround yourself with that beauty.  

At times I bite my tongue (no really I do) and act in ways that I typically would not.  I alter who I am.

It really may be time to stop the alterations and just let things be as they are.

Just maybe if I stop trying to be what others want to see me as, I can be just who I am, and start attracting the people who love me for me.

I met someone like that once.

They too were exceptional.

Funny thing is?  They are still here, and those who I allowed to try to fit me into their mold are not around any longer.

While on the path to my own happiness, it may just be time to allow others to drift like balloons on a lake.

Then again I hate balloons so there needs to be another option.

When I figure it out I will let you know.

In the meantime….Mary has something she wants to say for both of us:

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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One Response to Unapologetic

  1. feisty lee says:

    i so love your writings! You say so much that i can relate to but i could hardly express myself as eloquently as you. ♥ you!…and miss you bunches!

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