With you I’m not a little girl, with you I’m not a man
When all the hurt inside of me comes out, you understand
You see that I’m ferocious, you see that I am weak
You see that I am silly, and pretentious and a freak

But I don’t feel too strange for you
Don’t know exactly what you do
I think when love is pure you try
To understand the reasons why
And I prefer this mystery
It cancels out my misery
And gives me hope that there could be
A person that loves me


Rescue me [rescue me, it’s hard to believe]
Your love has given me hope
Rescue me [rescue me, it’s hard to believe]
I’m drowning, baby throw out your rope

With you I’m not a fascist, can’t play you like a toy
And when I need to dominate, you’re not my little boy
You see that I am hungry for a life of understanding
And you forgive my angry little heart when she’s demanding
You bring me to my knees while I’m scratching out the eyes
Of a world I want to conquer, and deliver, and despise
And right while I am kneeling there
I suddenly begin to care
And understand that there could be
A person that loves me


There is a saying that I use from time to time: Power respects Power.

The process of surrender for me is not a simple thing at all.  In fact I just sent a text message to a friend that read:  If I were a Dominant, and I saw ME coming?  I would run the other way.

I am a pain in the ass.

I am a brat, I am needy, I am insecure, I am demanding, I am complex.

On the other hand….in the right arms?

I am all that a submissive woman should and would hope to be.

The duality of me.


The lyrics above are courtesy of Madonna.  I am a child of the 80’s so Madge is a part of who I am. 

This song came on the iPod and I was like WOW!!!  But then again I do that a lot. 

Hell I could come into this blog everyday and just pop out a song. 

This kind of hit home a little closer than some others right about now though.

The understanding as I progress through my journey.  It is not a small thing.

I have days where I feel like the worst slave on the planet.  Like I am not nearly good enough to serve and I should just hang up my MAsT pin and go get a cat.

Then I stop and take a deep breath.

Now normally it is after writing a frantic journal entry, or sending a series of text messages that I wish I could take back and start wanting an asteroid to hit the iPhone.

I do eventually take that deep breath and think …. what the fuck are you doing Nicole? 

Accepting that this is the life that I chose seems to be the hardest part of it all. 

Accepting that I don’t have to be anything other than who and what I am is difficult also.

Until now I have lived a life where who I was was never good enough so it was impossible to accept that there was someone out there who was willing to take me as I am.  

I always felt as if I had to adjust who I was to be who the other person needed.

We see how that worked out right?

There is something very special about the one who can look at a 40 year old woman who weighs well over 200 pounds jumping up and down like a 11 year old who just saw Justin Beiber at 31 Flavors, the one who can look at her and go she is mine, and smile.

When the one can look at her naked sweaty welted waxed and cumdazzled ass and go she is mine and smile.

When the one can watch the inner little petulant girl shake her fists, stomp her feet, and say NO DADDY, and go she is mine and smile.

When the one can watch the lioness arch her back and bare her teeth to protect the cub, and go she is mine and smile.

When the one can turn on the nite light for the baby who just had a nightmare and thinks that there is a monster (or a clown with balloons) in the closet, and go she is mine and smile.

When the one can look at the student cursing the day that algebra was invented and all who think it is cute to make it a requirement for a degree and go she is mine and smile.

When the one can watch you in your sleep, feel every emotion that a man can feel, and smile.

Even if you were not in jeopardy —- when that one comes along, you FEEL rescued. 

You feel as if everything has fallen into place even if it is illogical.

As I have said here before, I am swiftly learning that illogical is the new black and that it may be a good idea to wear it.

I may not yet be ready to walk out of the fitting room…but at least I picked up the dress.  That is a start.

The question now?  How to take off all the old clothes.

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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