They don’t care where they kick just as long as they hurt you…..
This is where it gets tricky.
I write because it was my very first outlet. My very first. I could pick up a pen and paper and all that I could not say could still come out and I would not act out.
I write still because my brain never stops working…even when I don’t want it.
I go to therapy to fix what is broken, and most days it works well….sometimes though.
The insomnia is back with a vengeance and I know why.
I know that it means I have to get back in front of the altar for longer periods of time. But I write anyhow.
It is a method for me at some point to go back, come back and learn these lessons.
And I ask aloud why does it feel like 10 years ago all over again.
I was here was I not?
The situation seems so similar..but it is not really.
Even if the outcome still is.
There is no other choice to make…I made it so long ago in that parking lot, in another parking lot, and finally in a third parking lot.
chuckle. I guess I didn’t realize how large a role parking lots played in things.
I can remember saying to myself fuck that shit I am going over here…and well we see how that worked out right?
I hardly talk to him any more and the other one ….
I feel like I am looking for my soul like a poor man looking for gold.
I almost picked up the phone tonight. I thought well what would the harm be? Knowing just how quickly things can escalate.
It’s not that I am unhappy…I am as happy as a girl can get. This girl at least in these circumstances.
This path is not a simple one at all as you will see as time goes on constant reader.
I want to run. As far and as fast as I can away from something. My brain says you know what happens leave NOT NOW BUT RIGHT NOW!
My heart says no. You will stay and you will stand because this type of certainty comes but once in a lifetime.
And then the phone rings and I smile.
And then the attention whore gets the attention that she needs and all is simple and right with the world.
And then the left shoulder says if you want it you can have it….you can leave everything else behind, and start over.
And then the right shoulder says this is the place you belong.
You were supposed to take care of me!
It is even more pulling right now because of what I had to do today.
The urge to run, because of what I had to do today.
Voices in the sky say rely….
They tell me that he can’t possibly want me, that I can’t possibly be enough, that I am fooling myself to believe. They tell me to run, to fuck it up, to do anything so that you can leave before you are left they all leave!
And tonight the other voice is just a little bit louder than she has been in the past:
Sometimes they stay.
I don’t know where she got the balls to speak up but I am happy that she did.
Once upon a time there was a girl in love.
Once upon a time there was light in my life.
I miss her innocence, but she had lessons to learn.
I wonder as I avoid laying down, if those lessons have truly been learned.
I don’t have to be 25, I can be 38.
As I get ready to alter my body, for the second time, I hope that 38 is enough.
I am unsure if either of us have the strength for 48, unless the previous decade was together.
Any friend knows the lines from this song.
Sometimes it’s not another person….sometimes it is you.
How do you neutralize your ‘opponent’ when she looks at you in the mirror?
And why do I still want to pick up the phone?