Decisions

At some point – if we are friends….something that you and I have talked about will end up here on Vizionz.   I likely won’t use your name.  I will likely toss in a bunch of other things that relate to the topic.

But I need you to understand – this blog is the Vizion of the world according to Nicole.  If we are freinds?  What we talk about is a part of that Vizion.

If you tell me you don’t want to be mentioned….I will figure out how to NOT do it…but then you will be reading something horribly terribly boring.  So I ask that you let me do what I do, and alter the names to protect the innocent (and guilty) and enjoy my unique style.

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I attempt in my friendships to not put qualifiers on.  I am of the mindset that if I have decided you are friend material I have to take all of you the good and the bad and the wonderful and the beautiful.  When you put a qualifier on a relationship?  I feel you are asking the other person to change who they are to meet your needs.  That is too much to ask of someone that is not giving you any ass – and even if they are it may STILL be too much.

My friends I just accept and if they are engaged in something that I can not get down with…..I roll  until it’s over and then return.  I don’t call it a comeback though.

My friendships and ‘other’ships with men are a little different though.  Sometimes I fuck my friends.  If you happen to be one of those FWB – you get a couple of qualifiers.

#1  – we use condoms
#2 – we don’t get attached LIKE THAT
#3 – where you have diddled determines if you get to diddle me

Now I don’t tell grown men where to wet their whistle….I just explain that if the whistle got damp in a select group of female’s anatomy….it won’t get damp in mine.

There are women out there that I don’t necessarily ‘like’ but you can still get it. There are women out there that if I know you have been there?  You have turned off the Nicole faucet.

I reserve this status for the dirtiest and nastiest and least human of the women out there that I know.  Right now the list is at 4….although it seems it could (and perhaps SHOULD) grow.

A little ways back I was willing to relax my hard line …. it was a particularly greedy moment and my birthday was coming up… I wanted something EPIC.

Turns out I didn’t have to and I am happy that I did not because this particular penis is stupid and I can’t do stupid penis.

Back to the point…I was going to relax my restriction, and well had I done that I would have hated myself.

The restriction exists for not just my sanity, but also my reputation and pride.  In one case?  It exists because I value someone who no longer values me.

I have spoken before on the girl law: don’t mess with the ex.

I have stated that I feel it is not logical.

I still feel that it is not logical – but that doesn’t mean that I don’t adhere to it.

A former friend has an ex that I could entertain 7 days a week and four times on a Tuesday.  That is how hottttt I am for him.  Seriously. He can get it.  And get it and get it and get it.  And get it some more.

Yes there are other factors that keep us apart but the first thing that ever made me say I can’t go there?  My former friend.

Thing is?  They were only together for about 45 seconds and she doesn’t even give a shit about him.  It’s like he is not even on the planet with her any longer.  Her history was still the reason for my first no.

She is one of those illogical females that thinks – you don’t go there.  Even though she and I are no longer friends?  I still consider her feelings in my choices.

In the Black kinky community there are very very few of us.  If you are looking for a Black partner?  The pool is quite small to choose from.  At some point….you will engage in conversation with someone who has been with someone you know.  Or you will be conversing with someone who is also conversing with someone else.

Now we are all adults, and my mindset is:  if everyone is single? if everyone is honest?  Do what grown folks do and let the chips fall where they may.

In a single world, I put my skills up against any other woman out there.  I am just that damned good.

I am also not territorial in a traditional sense.

I also have off the mainstream ideas about relationships and sex and commitment.

I am a unicorn.

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My former friend does not think like me – and although because she is a former, I now have ZERO obligation to her feelings – I still choose to consider them.  I still value her, despite our history.

I get what she doesn’t….but as I have said before….perhaps it is just me.  I am willing to accept that. I have known for a very long time that I am the only one of my kind.  It can be a lonely existence…but you learn to mimic the patterns of others so you do not stand out so much.

If I know that she has an interest somewhere…. I will walk away.  If I know that she has a history…. I will walk away.

To me it is not worth the drama that comes with it, because yes she brings drama.   Some would say I do also…and perhaps they are right…but not about this.

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I find myself having to ask questions I did not have to ask previously these days, and I do not like it.

I am ruffled at the fact that I now have to alter who I am to protect her feelings.  Especially when she doesn’t care enough about mine to have an adult conversation about this past fall, what happened, why it happened, and why we both feel that trust was broken.

I still say that I did not break HER trust…but I am willing to consider why she may feel that I did.

I still know that she lied.  But I am willing to understand that she lied to protect my feelings – even though she never had to.

Again I am a unicorn.

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I don’t walk around sticking a flag in anyone’s booty going MINE!!!!!  not even to the one that I serve.

The way I look at it – we are all well over 21, and we should all act as if we are over 21.

Adult relationships are complex, and if you are simple….perhaps you should not attempt to get on the ride until you are this tall.

In a perfect world I could continue to build my friendship –  and not worry about what the former has in mind.  After all she’s made a decision to commit elsewhere right?

Not exactly.

I know her.  Very well.  There has not been one thing that has happened since I met her that has proven to me that I don’t know her.  Not even now, as we are essentially silent to one another.

That is also the price you pay being me….you are almost always right when you often wish you were wrong.

I know how this story ends…I have it within my power to alter the ending.  I just don’t think that I want to really.

At some point I should put myself first, and stop putting others ahead of me.

Perhaps in this situation I will put that into action.

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I can remember the words clearly…”I’ll bow out”.

What I didn’t say then….you were never on the field.

What I fear?   If the time comes again I will say it out loud.

That is not the person that I want to be, in any way shape or form.

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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