The other day I talked about the collar – and marriage – and touched briefly on my opinion on it. I have had to repeat it more than once so I guess now is the time to expand.
I need the reader to understand that I believe in true love – I am a hopeless romantic and I do not believe in marriage as it has been sold to little girls in the fairy tale of Western folklore.
First off? I am a bisexual woman. I would label myself as pansexual but more often than not I say I am gay. Why? Fewer syllables.
I am equally attracted to men and women and I do not limit myself to born men and born women.
My love comes with the PERSON not the ANATOMY.
Since it is equally possible that I could settle down forever with a man or a woman – marriage is not ‘that’ important to me.
In more states than not, were Daddy a Daddi we could not be married. My acceptance of my sexuality helped to form my opinion on marriage.
My parents also helped out there.
Mom has been married at least twice – I suspect 3 but gone are the days where she can tell me otherwise.
Lewis? 5 at least but I am fairly sure I am missing two at a minimum.
My parental units did not necessarily take the ’till death do us part’ segment of the vows that seriously.
I have no model to look at for what makes a healthy marriage – I have never seen one up close.
For my own purposes? Marriage is a technicality. I do not need a marriage license to love you. I do not need a marriage license to submit to you. I do not need a marriage license to co habitate with you. It really is just a piece of paper….it just happens to be an important piece of paper.
The thing about that piece of paper – it is a legal acknowledgement saying this is the person that I choose.
It grants next of kin status and survivorship benefits in the simplest ways possible.
Are there other ways to do that? You bet!
None are as simple and inexpensive as marriage though.
That is where my ‘desire’ to be married comes in.
At some point in a long term relationship I want to know that the other person plans to make this permanent.
You do that? By making it legally costly to walk out of the door.
You do that by imposing a penalty for walking away from the commitment you made.
At some point in a long term relationship I want to know that the other persons loves and cares for me enough to make provisions for me – in case shit happens. You do that by standing in front of the judge and saying I Do.
I can take that marriage certificate to the Social Security Administration, you can’t take the joint bank account statement.
Now do I expect to marry my current partner?
The romantic in me can say the vows, but the bottom bytch knows that things are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too early in the game to consider it.
There is much to be worked out between us, and marriage is many many many many moons down the line.
There are easily 1000 other things that have to happen first before that word even pops into a conversation.
I could because I love him – I can not because right now it is too early to think that way.
At 38 I know the desperation of my peer group who have never taken that walk down the aisle, and the pressure that society puts on them because of it.
I know women who got married because like Jagged Edge said:
“We ain’t gettin no younger”
I don’t want that for myself and would rather stay single thank you very very much!
Marriage for me is the end game that comes after a committed M/s (Master/slave) dynamic proves that that is where I will spend the rest of my days. That can take years. I have years, I am willing to wait.
Marriage for me is about property, survivorship, next of kin. It is not equal to love.
Now this is where my friends who are married (and still happy with their spouses) get a little ruffled. They often feel like my description of my view of marriage diminishes their union.
If you want to be married, and you are happy, then I am happy for you! Why would I be unhappy about you getting who and what you want?????
I am allowed to think of marriage in a different manner though.
There is frequent debate in the kinky forums I roam about marriage being a ‘vanilla’ concept and that it has no place in what I do.
It is a vanilla concept to vanilla people. To kinky folk it is the decision that they made that was best for them.
Getting married doesn’t make one relationship more beautiful or solid than another and it certainly doesn’t make a fucked up situation better.
All it means is that those two folk chose that option as best for them.
Despite my practical outlook on marriage I could still be married one day – and it will be the best choice for me at that time.
I have kinky married folk telling me it is different when you are married.
Now since I have never been married I can’t speak on it, but I know for me at least? My M/s will supersede the marriage and the marriage is just paperwork to keep things simple for the outside world.
I have friends who are wives who explain that they can pull the ‘wife card’. Their explanation of the ‘wife card’ is that there are times when they can speak to their partner as a wife and not a submissive or a slave. When something has happened that makes them less than comfortable and they want to pump the brakes. This is consistent in all of my female submissive married friends – yes I have more than one.
I don’t see it that way. I see it as a couple committed to one another – respecting each others boundaries. You get that in any sane M/s relationship with or without the marriage license. If it makes them feel better to call it the wife card then they can call it the wife card.
When I look at it – it does not make the submissive any less submissive or the Dominant any less Dominant – it makes THEM together a couple that works.
Even in the strict world of D/M/s there is an ebb and flow that happens. Some couples do it well, other couples do it collarme style. Whatever. Right now I have work to do on my own without worrying so much about someone else’s.
Will we ever get married?
Check back with me in 10 years and I will let you know what I think then.