I am going to qualify this: I don’t give a fuck about my anyone in my family that does not live in the same house that I do…at least not in a traditional sense.
All but one? I do not wish them dead, or maimed, or to get leprosy but I don’t spend any significant amount of time thinking about them. In this world they don’t really exist.
There was a time that things were not like this….but that is not 2011.
I have (to the best of our knowledge…Lewis is a whore) Three brothers and one sister.
Lester, Brian, Derrick, Toots.
To give you an idea how close I am to them? They are after all my father’s children….I have met Lester twice. Brian raped me. Derrick I have not seen nor talked to since my boy was three-ish and he is now 10. Toots? If I had to make an educated guess? I THINK that her first name is Sheryl, but don’t quote me on that one…I could be very wrong.
I have a boy that I raised. Kyle, who I still love as you would a son, who will not/has not talked to me. I considered him as a sibling once, and there is a distinct possibility that I may not be off the mark with that one.
This letter is to Crystal though:
I suppose I could look in my Hotmail account and see when the last email was, but it is clear that I need not bother.
Of all that has occurred, you hurt the worst.
I never thought that it would be you. I thought raising you, loving you, and treating you like my sister would have been enough….little did I know that family ain’t shit.
I understand it…but I do not like it.
The thing is that I loved you enough to never make you choose. You never loved me back enough to say you did not have to.
When things started turning south, I never put you in the middle of it. I just never thought that you of all people would never even consider that things were not as they appeared.
You know things that others don’t. You saw things that others did not.
I can understand in a way that you kind of HAVE to believe in Valerie. What I do not understand is why you chose to never believe in me.
You saw how I was treated because you lived here in this house. If no one else knew, you did. You knew my pain, because you witnessed it. If no one else did you knew. My relationship with Esther was strained sure, but you knew, if no one else did that under the bravado was a little girl looking for the acceptance of a woman who refused to give it.
You knew I was not perfect, but you also knew that I was not without provocation at some times. These walls hold lots of secrets after all.
I do not want to believe that your were bought for a Chrysler Sebring, but every day that goes by without word from you….I have to assume that is what it is.
I do not want to – but you never once asked me a question. Not once.
How else was I to reach any other conclusion in your absence and silence. And that hurts. I sacrificed who I could have been so that YOU could get out…and you never looked back. Not ever. Eventually you looked down and that stings.
Valerie lied to you, but you should have been smart enough to utilize some of that critical thinking they should have taught you @ FAMU, and wonder if it really was what others made it out to be. I would have given you that same option, that same chance, but there I go again, hoping that I am not alone in this world when reality shows me I am nothing but alone.
The power of attorney that Valerie used to get you that car? Is and was as valid as a 6 dollar bill. It took a year to over turn it, and to be honest? My first thought was to have it repossessed. I was bitter and angry, but I left my sister to her own devices because at the end of the day I still gave a shit.
Even now when every month the credit union sends a late notice the thought occasionally crosses my mind.
But I still can not bear to injure you – no matter how much you have injured me.
When I tried to reach out to you – you were cold. So I reach out no longer. By 38 you learn….stop hitting your head against the wall.
I hope that you live well. Really I do. I have always wanted the best for you even when you did not know what was best for yourself.
But this is me closing the book. Why bother with the place holder? Perhaps in 20 years we will talk about this, and perhaps in 20 years I will care.
Right now though, I have to keep raising Kahlil, raising mom, and trying to repair the damage that Valerie did.
What damage you ask? I could tell you….but would you listen? I doubt it…since you never even asked.