Day Three – Your Parents

I saw this one on the list and considered skipping it..but I have found that I connect the most when I am the most honest and the most raw so here goes whatever:

Mother #1  I have no words for you.  No thank you, no what’s up, no why.  I don’t really care.  Unless of course my suspicions are correct and you ARE Valerie…in which case what I have to say is FUCK YOU!

Father #1 I got bupkiss.  I dont know if you ever knew and I don’t care.  You are irrelevant to me.

Father #2 – Lewis.

In the summer of 2007 you broke my heart for the very last time, and I am thankful that I was finally able to say no mas.

I needed you all of my life.  I loved you the most.  I forgave you all.  Until the one time that I actually needed you, you turned your back dropped your wranglers and told me to kiss your ass.

I remember the last day that you spent on Manheim St with us, and I remember making my mother bruised and bloody look for you.  I know NOW how painful that was for her, I did not know then.  I just wanted my Daddy then.

The women who raised me told me you weren’t shit but I refused to believe them until I was a mother myself.

I realized then, you really are not shit.  No real parent who has actual love for their child would allow that child to be without them.

Mom didn’t keep you from me, YOU kept you from me.

You didn’t know that your actions would fuck up every connection for the rest of my life – neither did I.

You allowed that woman you call a wife to lie on me, I still forgave you that.

For YOU Lewis, I looked my rapist, your son, my brother in the eye and told him that he was forgiven.  Because I was always Daddy’s little girl, looking for Daddy’s approval, and needing Daddy’s love.

Until I asked not for me, but for your grandchild.

Help me.  She is lying, she is stealing.  Help me.  We have no money, we have no food.  Help me.  The only person who has ever been in my corner is in the hospital with a stroke, I am afraid.  Help me.

You didn’t just say no.  You said no, and then proceeded to help Valerie who’s intentions were to toss my & your grandchild on the street, and treat my mother as she treated my grandmother.  To abuse and neglect until all of the money was gone and then walk away.

You chose Valerie over me, at my most vulnerable time ever, and that I will never forgive.

Not in this lifetime and possibly not in the next.

You are dead to me….I am just waiting to read about it in the Daily News.

Mother #2 – Esther

It’s been a long 38 years.  I still have some anger, but by now my love should be more apparent.

I used to tell you that I would throw you in a home, and that day may still come…but it won’t be because I have not tried.

It’s been two years since I was able to stop Valerie, and it’s been two years of quiet.

Gone are the days where we could talk about what ails us – we have to leave the past in the past.

I still have questions…so many questions but I must learn to live without the answers.

Right now, I am thankful that I can have this time with you to heal us both.

Our path holds much pain.  We have hurt one another over and over again.

But today we are here, the three of us, and I am grateful for that.

You never thought that I would care for you, but I have.  I will for as long as I am capable.

You never thought that I loved you, but I always did.  Even though it eventually became clear that you never wanted me.

I am what you got though, you are what I got, and today it is something special.

You still teach me lessons even though your speech has left you.  I still learn even though I am an old dog.

I am unsure how much more time we have together, but I will do my best no matter the length.

I hope that when your time finally does come, that you know I loved you.  And that what’s been done has been done for you.

It was not a simple choice, but  it was the only one that I could make.

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.

This entry was posted in 30 Days of Letters. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Day Three – Your Parents

  1. Felicia says:

    Thank you for sharing your pain. I hope you feel lighter in your healing.

Leave a Reply to Felicia Cancel reply