New Rule

At some point it was going to happen, but at this point I did not think it would be today. Or January 4 rather.

I am trying to sit on my hands…not having a ton of success, if you knew the text message that I sent after midnight, but sitting none the less.

I write a lot, I have a private journal.  One online and one that I actually put pen to paper to.

In the online journal tonight there was a lot of cursing a lot of frustration and a lot of questioning.  Something that I have not done a lot of since November 8. 

I wonder if perhaps that is the correct line of action, but I am fighting not to take it.

I can not promise that I will win the battle but I am fighting it none the less.

There are a few dates that are standing out in my head, along with the activity of those dates and I am looking within MYSELF to find a resolution to those issues and dates because they sure as fuck are not going to come from anyone but me.

I know what it means…I have to get back in front of the altar and do some more chanting.  It’s what I should be doing now but the boy will come looking for me if I do that and he’s got school I don’t want to disturb his rest more than it is.

Every bit of euphoria of the past few weeks though….when weighed against tonight I have to ask myself is it WORTH it?

The hardest thing in the world to do RIGHT NOW is to swallow and say Yes Daddy.  When I want to say anything but Yes Daddy.

If you have ever heard of the 80/20 rule, you would understand that this man is 98/2.

Even with our history, yes he is still 98.

That 2 is hollering really loud right now though.

98 is what brought me back…it is what kept me from saying fuck you tonight…it is what is keeping me awake at 230 when I should be snoring.

98 is why I risk everything that I do, and accept the things that I do.

98 is pretty damned good.

Even my happiest friend would not necessarily say she gets 98.  But I do.

That 2 seems to be bigger and badder than it should be and it is fucking frightening.

98 kept me from saying many of the things some would say that I should say.

2 sent the text message.

Much of it is my own fears and insecurities.  I get that.

I also get that I would like just a little more assistance over the hump.

I also get that for the very first time EVER I am afraid to ask for it.

And that is the most disturbing part of it all.

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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