At some point it was going to happen, but at this point I did not think it would be today. Or January 4 rather.

I am trying to sit on my hands…not having a ton of success, if you knew the text message that I sent after midnight, but sitting none the less.

I write a lot, I have a private journal.  One online and one that I actually put pen to paper to.

In the online journal tonight there was a lot of cursing a lot of frustration and a lot of questioning.  Something that I have not done a lot of since November 8. 

I wonder if perhaps that is the correct line of action, but I am fighting not to take it.

I can not promise that I will win the battle but I am fighting it none the less.

There are a few dates that are standing out in my head, along with the activity of those dates and I am looking within MYSELF to find a resolution to those issues and dates because they sure as fuck are not going to come from anyone but me.

I know what it means…I have to get back in front of the altar and do some more chanting.  It’s what I should be doing now but the boy will come looking for me if I do that and he’s got school I don’t want to disturb his rest more than it is.

Every bit of euphoria of the past few weeks though….when weighed against tonight I have to ask myself is it WORTH it?

The hardest thing in the world to do RIGHT NOW is to swallow and say Yes Daddy.  When I want to say anything but Yes Daddy.

If you have ever heard of the 80/20 rule, you would understand that this man is 98/2.

Even with our history, yes he is still 98.

That 2 is hollering really loud right now though.

98 is what brought me back…it is what kept me from saying fuck you tonight…it is what is keeping me awake at 230 when I should be snoring.

98 is why I risk everything that I do, and accept the things that I do.

98 is pretty damned good.

Even my happiest friend would not necessarily say she gets 98.  But I do.

That 2 seems to be bigger and badder than it should be and it is fucking frightening.

98 kept me from saying many of the things some would say that I should say.

2 sent the text message.

Much of it is my own fears and insecurities.  I get that.

I also get that I would like just a little more assistance over the hump.

I also get that for the very first time EVER I am afraid to ask for it.

And that is the most disturbing part of it all.