At some point it was going to happen, but at this point I did not think it would be today. Or January 4 rather.
I am trying to sit on my hands…not having a ton of success, if you knew the text message that I sent after midnight, but sitting none the less.
I write a lot, I have a private journal. One online and one that I actually put pen to paper to.
In the online journal tonight there was a lot of cursing a lot of frustration and a lot of questioning. Something that I have not done a lot of since November 8.
I wonder if perhaps that is the correct line of action, but I am fighting not to take it.
I can not promise that I will win the battle but I am fighting it none the less.
There are a few dates that are standing out in my head, along with the activity of those dates and I am looking within MYSELF to find a resolution to those issues and dates because they sure as fuck are not going to come from anyone but me.
I know what it means…I have to get back in front of the altar and do some more chanting. It’s what I should be doing now but the boy will come looking for me if I do that and he’s got school I don’t want to disturb his rest more than it is.
Every bit of euphoria of the past few weeks though….when weighed against tonight I have to ask myself is it WORTH it?
The hardest thing in the world to do RIGHT NOW is to swallow and say Yes Daddy. When I want to say anything but Yes Daddy.
If you have ever heard of the 80/20 rule, you would understand that this man is 98/2.
Even with our history, yes he is still 98.
That 2 is hollering really loud right now though.
98 is what brought me back…it is what kept me from saying fuck you tonight…it is what is keeping me awake at 230 when I should be snoring.
98 is why I risk everything that I do, and accept the things that I do.
98 is pretty damned good.
Even my happiest friend would not necessarily say she gets 98. But I do.
That 2 seems to be bigger and badder than it should be and it is fucking frightening.
98 kept me from saying many of the things some would say that I should say.
2 sent the text message.
Much of it is my own fears and insecurities. I get that.
I also get that I would like just a little more assistance over the hump.
I also get that for the very first time EVER I am afraid to ask for it.
And that is the most disturbing part of it all.