So I was talking to a ‘sister slave’ today via text message and this came to my mind. Now I have no idea HOW since I was in multi orgasmic bliss after the Jackson punt return…but I was somehow able to turn off my football brain and turn on my slave brain.
When I first got to Fetlife it was because Newark sent me a link. Check this out bitch he said. I did, and I liked it.
It seemed like a good place to explore my options.
I was 2 years out of the conclusion of a prior relationship, and had just jumped back into the dating/sexing thing again. I was healed enough to test the waters.
I knew what my life was missing and it was the structure that came with M/s D/s but it was also the kink that came with the whole ‘lifestyle’.
I was a little girl in need of a Daddy.
My first week on Fet I spent hours and hours pouring through fetishes, and discussions identifying things from my prior relationship that rang a bell, and finding new things about this life I live. I considered myself new and acted as such. I was not ‘new’ but I was certainly not informed.
I spent those first months at Fetlife learning about BDSM as a way of life, not just MY life and it was eye opening.
I eventually ran across someone and loved how their mind worked, so I did what the lioness does, I hunted. It was very successful, until it was not. Suddenly out of no where I ran into the brick wall of Dominance and it hurt like hell!
Now I not only felt ‘new’ I was ‘new and brusied’.
He hurt my ego terribly in more way than just one, and had I good sense I would have taken some time and recovered and retreated and realized where my error was. Mind you, this man and I were not a good fit relationship wise, that is quite clear, but the mistakes that I made in my first lifestyle attempt AG (After…..) were not ones that I would make in the next encounter.
Which takes me to Reginald.
Reginald set into motion a comedy of errors that was entertaining to watch – I suppose – but again, my life mate was not found. It doesn’t mean that I did not grow to love him…I did. It does not mean that what I learned while in service was not valuable, it was beyond measure.
Without my time with Reginald right now would not be possible.
I will as time, and this blog goes on talk more about Reginald, and the long distance relationship, but it deserves a space all it’s own.
This right now is more about the lesson of patience.
The lioness has no predator in the jungle, not even the king of the Pride. He rules her but he does not hunt her.
Like me she is the Queen Bitch.
It is how I have approached every other relationship with a man or woman, with the exception of Daddy.
On good nights yes I do feel hunted, but then again it is mating season. Most nights I just feel ruled.
Our history is unique, our present even more so. If the details were shared, I would shut Fetlife down from the flurry of activity that would go on.
NOT HER!!!! NEVER HER!!!!!!!
Yes me. I have gathered quite the reputation on Fetlife.
I have called out those I knew to not be genuine…I have scoffed at the mentality of others who identify as ‘slave’. I still do actually. Yet I have a better understanding being with this man @ this time.
As I spoke with the other slave, I heard myself and boy is that shit scary!
I watched her walk into some of the other traps I have fallen into or navigated around and realized that I still have far far to go in this journey.
As I listened to her…I looked at myself and that is the difference in these past two weeks.
Her owner is not a good fit for her. I have not said this to her…but I have said this to him. In his stubbornness he refuses to let her go, in her pain, I saw myself.
Tough place to be really.
I still think about all of the way Daddy and I have to go before we get to a familiar place, and all of the work that I must do.
I really hate to admit it but it will take giving up the ferocity of the lioness for him, as well as a little patience.
Truth…I want it all I want it now and I want it my way and give me give me give me! With this man, that is not going to work. It will have the end result of me being let go, and me wondering why what I want the most is so elusive.
I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back most days.
Setting aside who I am when he is not around to be who I must while he is and flipping back and forth back and forth. It is maddening really.
But I do know that the end result can be balance to my Libra scales and I can be both once we have progressed.
I do one thing good and I immediately want to skip to happily ever after. Yes I am also the one who reads the last chapter of the book before the first.
With him the way is slow and steady with baby steps and the road stretches far before the ‘finish line’ is reached.
I have stumbled much in these past weeks, but I am learning how to not stumble.
And it means patience.
While I may feel that I don’t have the ‘time’ to wait…what else do I have? Seriously?
I either want to serve…this man…or I do not. If I don’t I know where the door is, it is not locked and never will be. I am not one who says I gave up my right to leave.
My right to leave was never taken from me. My desire to? Yes that is gone for good, but my right remains. I know exactly how to exit stage left, and should that be my decision, he will never stop me.
My privilege to remain though.. that is what is the challenge. What is required of me is not required of others…but then again you have never met anyone quite like me have you?
I can stop and say but SHE didn’t have to….and see the door. Or I can remain and say Yes Sir, and learn something new.
It is my patience that will lock the collar or remove the collar. That I know and that is the hardest part for me.
I do this because I do not WANT the decision, yet the decision is still mine.
Talk about a mind fuck!
Right now I am waiting on the answer to a question and it frightens me. It will raise the stakes and remove yet another growl from the lioness.
His response will give me two very clear and distinct choices.
I hope that I will choose the right path…but I am not convinced that I will.