I have to hit the road shortly but the McNabb benching got something in my head I wanted to leave with you this weekend.
There is a saying that goes something like:
Your reputation is what people think you are, your character is who you are.
I prefer being a woman of character rather than defending my reputation.
McNabb triggered this for me because he has not yet made a statement about the fact that he is now the 3rd string QB. I asked how the fuck do you NOT finally say SOMETHING!!!!!!
While he may be the greatest QB thus far in Eagles history, his passive aggressive press conferences, and his ill timed humor, and he refusal to defend himself have always grated on my nerves.
I have always just wanted him ONE TIME to go FUCK YOU! He never did. So far he is still not now.
I immediately thought, who took this man’s balls and would they please give them back to him? Please?
And in a little while I had time to reflect and realize, who the fuck am I that he needs to perform and conform to MY standards of what a man is, what a man does?
I am not yet ready to take the leap of faith that McNabb is subscribing to some upper plane zen way of thinking, but hey he COULD be.
And it got me to thinking about some things that have been going on in my neck of the woods.
My ‘silence’ these days allows for lots of speculation, lots of mail being tossed back and forth, lots of conjecture, lots of impersonations, lots of my story being defined for me.
I allow people to come to a conclusion about me that I have not been able to shape. Historically that is not something that is appealing to me. I typically have felt the need for people observing to know who I really am not what people say that I am.
I felt that need because I was worried about what people thought of me – my reputation.
Even those closest to me miss the mark, and fairly often. Those who have known me the longest rarely get inside my brain process on a level that they can understand who I am and why I am. They can hit some things right on the bulls eye, and other things they are not even in the scoring field.
At a time when I have wanted to speak out more than any other time, I was at first required to be silent and then chose to be silent.
And the earth did not fall off it’s axis, and all of the kittens did not disappear.
I found out that I don’t HAVE to defend my reputation. In fact I have wasted a lot of time in the past doing just that.
Folk still think what they WANT to think, regardless of what I say. People still base their opinions on misinformation and unreliable sources. People still make assumptions based on their own history and their own baggage. So there is no NEED for me to exert the energy to ‘correct’ them. If they wanted to believe something different – they would – without my assistance.
As duty calls I needed to ask myself, do I truly have the time to devote to correcting the perceptions of others when I know the truth?
The answer is no I do not.
Do I have the energy to carry that weight with me? No I do not.
In this ADD society, most have already forgotten, and for those who do recall?their memory is standing on a banana peel.
And it really makes no difference to my ‘real time’ relationships, nor does it put food on the table.
So just maybe McNabb had one more gift to give to his loyal Eagles fan. Maybe I won’t jump off the #TeamDonovan bandwagon quite yet.