I think often that my life is too strange to be anything BUT fact, since fact is often stranger than fiction.
I am supposed to be doing homework, and I will hit it right after this but I got to thinking as I settled into an acceptance about the current state of affairs.
What do I want from HIM?
Good question. 12 years ago, it would have been simple. The ring and the white picket fence 2.5 kids and a trio of German Shepards.
Today, I have 2.5 kids in my mother and son who work me like 2.5, the boy is allergic to animal hair so we can not have pets, and I want to live somewhere that has NO grass to cut.
Can you look for happily ever after when your perception is skewed?
What I want right now? To get consistently back to our Monday schedule. The Holiday season is wrecking shop and I am overdue for a spanking and some good good.
What will I want in three months? Who the fuck knows?
The thing about HIM is that he alters everything around me and turns everything on it’s side and all that I think that I know about life is suddenly smoke and mirrors.
What appears to be lies are really truth and truth is too damned hard to manage without a quart of vodka handy because it gets really DEEP in these parts.
I am taking a H U G E leap of faith that in a month, or 5 months, or ________, things will be ‘different’ but I do not have that guarantee.
All I have is right here and right now.
The decision to return home was automatic, LIVING with that decision has been difficult.
A handful of those who pop into this blog also know me on Fetlife. If you have watched me over the past 2 years you have seen my journey and you may ask yourself WHY is she going down THIS road again?
What happened to that OTHER Nicole? The one that we liked better?
I have to ask did you like single Nicole because she was so unashamed of being single or did you like her because she was real?
I am still here, I am just working on my relationship. It is not a simple task.
The me that it takes to kneel for him is 180 degrees the opposite of the me that exists without him.
I have more practice with the latter, but I am better with the former.
At the end of the day my brain says, what the fuck can you just settle on something please?
I tell my brain to be patient, but then the lioness roars and it is back to square one.
First of all the trust that it takes to do what I do with ANY man or woman is immense. You are basically saying: I give you my LIFE. That is deep. Now some of you are married or have been married. Did/do you trust your spouse with your life? Not to step in front of a bullet like a secret service agent, but to carry you stronger than you could carry your own self?
Then you add in OUR history and it is triple. To give to him is simple to let him KEEP it is not.
I have the urge to bolt at every cancellation, every raised eyebrow and every waffle. Yet I stay. That is a commitment that is rare for me in most fashion, let alone with someone that I have sex with.
A part of me understands what I must do, the other part of me has OWNED someone before. I see the Jedi Mind Trick coming a mile away, and I have to make the decision to allow it to unfold.
A part of me each time looks at what is happening, like with the silent treatment when it comes, and asks who the fuck does he think that he is. Well…..he is DADDY.
The ‘vanilla’ in me screams for equality! The little girl in me is smarter, knows there is no such thing, and allows me to wait.
The petulant little girl howls and pouts while she waits but she also waits.
I expect that some time after the New Year there will be a dramatic shift. I can not yet say what that shift will be. I know that it will be public or it will be tragic, but the Libra scales have not yet tipped one way or the other.
When they DO you will know – in the meantime, I think it may be time next to explain about the hitachi, why it is evil incarnate and why I would push you under the bus to get to it.